A few weeks ago at my church, we delved into the Song of Solomon, extracting wisdom for our love lives. We explored themes like attraction, pursuit, dating, and sex within marriage. One particular message focused on conflict in marriages, and I had the opportunity to speak on this topic. It was my first time preaching from this book, especially on the subject of conflict resolution in marriages. As I prepared for this message, one thing repeatedly struck me: God truly cares about every detail of our lives. I was amazed by how relevant God’s Word remains, speaking to the core of our souls even after thousands of years.
Not only was I struck by how much God cares about us, but I also realized how much I needed these principles in my personal life and in my marriage. When I finished preaching the message, many people came up to me saying something similar to what I realized for my own life, wanting to implement these principles in their personal marriages.
Because of this, I want to share the insights from Song of Solomon chapters 5 and 6 on managing conflict in our marriages.
Below is the outline of my message from these two chapters. I recommend reading through the chapters yourself first, which will help you see how the points directly relate to the scripture. I hope this helps!
What is Conflict? (Song of Songs 5:3-6a)
In the first few verses of Song of Songs 5, we witness the couple’s initial conflict, which serves as an introduction to the nature of their disagreement.
- Conflict arise from differences — The scene unfolds with the man returning from a long day’s work, knocking on the door, seemingly seeking intimacy with his wife. However, she is reluctant, stating, “I have taken off my clothing. How can I put it back on? I have washed my feet. How can I get them dirty?” This illustrates a typical conflict scenario: he desires one thing, she desires another. Conflict often arises from such differences, especially between spouses.
- Conflict is inevitable — Any married couple can attest that conflict is a natural part of marriage. Bringing together two individuals from distinct backgrounds, families, upbringings, and mentalities to live under one roof will inevitably lead to disagreements. The critical consideration is not whether conflict will occur, but how to respond when it does.
- An undercurrent of pride — Often, conflicts are fueled or exacerbated by underlying pride. In this passage, the man fails to understand his wife’s reluctance, and the wife prefers the comfort of her bed over accommodating her husband’s request. This scenario shows that while differences themselves do not necessarily lead to conflict, it is often an underlying sense of pride that transforms these differences into disputes. Jesus referenced this dynamic when discussing the motivations behind Moses allowing divorce, attributing it to the “hardness of man’s hearts” (Matthew 19:7-8).
How do we respond to conflict? (Song of Songs 5:5 – 6:13)
After illustrating the nature of the couple’s initial conflict in Song of Songs 5, the subsequent verses depict their response to this disagreement, offering a valuable lesson in conflict resolution.
- Resist Retaliation — Song of Songs 5:5-6
- The man leaves behind myrrh on the door handle, a symbol of anointing and blessing, at the very spot where he faced rejection. This act underscores the importance of choosing blessing over retaliation, and deciding to bless where you have been bruised.
- Echoing the biblical principle, “Do not repay evil with evil” (1 Peter 3:8-9).
- Respond in Repentance (Rapid not Rushed) — Song of Songs 5:6
- Upon opening the door and finding her husband gone but seeing the myrrh, the wife feels a deep remorse and immediately seeks him.
- Respond in Repentance with Kindness — “My heart sank.”
- Respond in Repentance Rapidly — “I sought him… I called him.”
- Reflecting the idea of Colossians 3:12-13.
- The urgency is also echoed in Ephesians 4:26-27, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath,” emphasizing prompt reconciliation to prevent hardened hearts (Hebrews 3:7–8).
- Upon opening the door and finding her husband gone but seeing the myrrh, the wife feels a deep remorse and immediately seeks him.
- Remorseful Ramifications (Intermission) — Song of Songs 5:7
- This verse is challenging to interpret, depicting a dream-like scenario where the wife is beaten by guards, symbolizing how unresolved conflict can cause deep emotional wounds. Unresolved conflict will in fact beat and wound you.
- Request Rescue/Help — Song of Song 5:8-9
- It’s appropriate to seek help, but caution is advised in choosing whom to ask. The wife’s plea to the women of Jerusalem results in misguided advice, reflecting the dangers of consulting those who may foster division rather than reconciliation.
- Recall the Good — Song of Song 5:10-16
- As a response to the woman of Jerusalem, the bride recalls and remember the good in her husband.
- Remember the characteristics of your spouse
- It’s easy to see the bad in your spouse. It’s easy to point the finger and remember all the things that bother you about your spouse. But here, we learn that it’s important to recall and remind ourselves of the good in our spouses in our quest to conflict resolution.
- As a response to the woman of Jerusalem, the bride recalls and remember the good in her husband.
- Rekindle the Love — Song of Song 6:2-3
- As a result to the amazing recollection of the good of her husband, they now rekindle their love. The words and phrases used in these verses are the same words to describe their intimate love for each other in previous chapter (emotionally & physically intimate).
- Some people call this Makeup S…
- As a result to the amazing recollection of the good of her husband, they now rekindle their love. The words and phrases used in these verses are the same words to describe their intimate love for each other in previous chapter (emotionally & physically intimate).
- Renew Vows — Song of Song 6:4-10
- The man finally speaks and he renews his vows with her.
- Uses same language as when they got married.
- Vow renewals are not something that should be happening every 10 or 20 years, rather this is the idea that we should constantly remind each other of the commitments that we have made to each other.
- Every time we renew our vows, there is an elevation of praise — Song of Song 6:8-10
- Reap & Rejoice in the Reconciliation — Song of Song 6:11-13
- The relationship blossoms anew, with both parties celebrating the restoration, not because one prevailed over the other, but because their union was upheld. What’s celebrated tends to be perpetuated, fostering a cycle of positive reinforcement.
These teachings from just two chapters of Song of Songs provide profound insights into managing marital conflicts in a way that aligns with godly principles. The ultimate example of resolving conflict comes from Jesus, who reconciled humanity with God by bearing our sins, thereby enabling us to forgive and love each other genuinely and freely.